Hello dear readers. It's been a while. Things have been quiet and I regret the fact that I haven't posted recently. I was talking to my father about this blog just last night and he was asking when I'd have an update for you. Well. Let me tell you.
It was a late night at the office. I was catching the 10:15 to Ronkonkoma. I make it with a good nine minutes to spare only to find that the last two cars of the train were closed off. This is a common practice on the late night trains, as there are a lot less riders and thus no reason for the conductors to have to cover so many cars. I get it. Only thing is, the 10:15 is fucking packed. Standing room only. Everyone is pretty perplexed why they won't open up for us. I'm tired as hell and I can't fucking wait to sink my teeth into the conductor when he comes around to check tickets. Granted, I'm willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and I want to politely ask why off-duty failroad employees are getting two, count 'em TWO, cars to themselves while us hardworking paying customers have to stand. To be fair, I didn't give the guy much of a chance.
As I stand in the crowded vestibule by the double doors, I see another customer out of earshot pleading with the guy to open the cars. He's motioning to all of us standing and I see the conductor keep shaking his head no. I've seen enough. "Open the cars for us!" I yell. Other riders rally behind me. "Yeah! We don't want to stand!" they yell. He just shakes his head as he keeps moving through the car checking tickets.
"Give me one good reason why you won't open those two empty cars back there," I say. "I pay FOUR HUNDRED SIXTY SEVEN dollars a month* to ride this train! I worked a thirteen hour day and I'd like to sit down!" The people are behind me. They cry in agreement. I tell him that I'm asking nicely, but in actuality I'm borderline shouting. The spineless conductor stumbles over his words as he gives me some half-assed reason why he won't let us back, saying that the last two cars don't reach the platform at Jamaica. Now anyone who's been on a peak rush hour train knows that there are always trains where the last car or two doesn't platform at Jamaica. They make announcements. They shrug their shoulders and say, "Too bad," to the people who don't listen to those announcements. So don't feed me some bullshit excuse, guy. He says that's what they told him on the radio. I told him to radio back that he wouldn't mind checking tickets in two extra cars because it's the nice thing to do.
Captain spineless won't check my ticket. He moves on. Because he's fucking lazy and he knows I'm fucking right.
In the moments thereafter, as all of us grumble to each other about how ridiculous the whole situation is, a woman who is standing a few feet from me throws up. In the vestibule, on the door, almost everywhere. It looks like this woman ate a lot of beets, or more accurately, drank a shit ton of merlot. She's very apologetic and all of us are understanding. It happens (myself included — though in my case it was in the bathroom, not at the exit). I give her some napkins I have in my bag. The man next to her is supporting her and making sure she's okay. Everyone is joking and trying to cheer her up as she is clearly embarrassed. Someone asks a passing conductor, "Maybe we can get into those back cars now?" After a few minutes, as if he's doing us some great fucking service at great pains to himself, he tells us he's going to let us into the back cars.
In an extra bit of hilarity, as we are all passing into the next car (the sick woman included), we hear the sound of someone vomiting behind us. That's right. Someone else got sick in the exact same spot as this woman. You can't make this shit up, people.
As I move into the last car of the train I see a half dozen off-duty failroad employees sitting around in their own private Idaho. They shoot me looks as if to say, "What the fuck are you doing back here, asshole?" As I sit, they make an announcement over the PA: "Ladies and gentleman, if you're standing we have plenty of open seats in the back of the train. Please move back for extra seating." I lose it. I start laughing as hard as I think I ever have in my life. I can't help myself. I say in the most childish tone I can muster, "We can't let you sit back there. The train won't platform at Jamaica," and then in my normal voice, "or maybe you're all overpaid, lazy pieces of shit who can't be bothered to check two extra cars." A grey-haired employee sitting a few feet from me says, "Everyone's entitled to their opinion." Without hesitation I reply, "And sometimes people's opinions are fact."
Boom.
*Actual cost of my monthly LIRR train ticket + Metrocard
