Would You Like My Number?

I can’t believe in my last etiquette post back in May I forgot to mention the cardinal sin of train etiquette. And the only reason I remembered is because it happened to me two days after posting my etiquette guide.

I was on my way home. I was in a two-seater, sweating profusely, because I hit the triple play: I was on a subway car with no air conditioning, then I had to run to get to my train , then had to wait on the platform for my train, which was late, to pull in, and the platform area in Penn Station was a cool 451ºF (a grand slam would be if the LIRR train had no air conditioning as well).

So some dude sits down next to me, I get it, it’s rush hour and you don’t want to stand, but if you want to sit next to someone sweating like a whore in church, that’s your prerogative.

About halfway through the ride, a lot of seats start opening up. The ride goes on and a lot more seats open up and this guy doesn’t move. There were completely open two-seaters, four-seaters, three-seaters and even six-seaters, and this dude is sitting right up next to me as if there weren’t a single other free seat. This, my friends is the cardinal sin of train etiquette. If you don’t have to sit right on top of someone, DON’T SIT RIGHT ON FUCKING TOP OF THEM! It’s one thing if you’re asleep and you couldn’t possibly notice seats opening up due to lack of consciousness. Hell, I can even forgive it if you were deeply immersed in a book or something. But no, this clueless fuck was fully awake, looking at his phone, putting it down, looking around… It’s just plain weird.

PRO TIP: If you’ve reached this point in the trip where there are enough empty seats and the person next to you is sleeping, just slam your thigh against theirs. They’ll jolt awake, see empty seats and promptly move.

But not this guy. All attempts to signal to him by clearing my throat and blatantly looking around at the empty seats were met with, well, nothing. Sometimes when one of these people doesn’t get up when they ought to, you will have to ask to get up. Usually then they realize the complete douche they’ve been, get the fuck out of your way and jump into an open seat. When I realized this guy wasn’t budging, I asked to get up. He took his dear sweet time, barely moved out of my way, and I sat down in a free seat on the other side of the aisle. Did this guy take notice? Of course not.

It must be so nice to be so oblivious. Kind of like the people who run the Long Island Rail Road. Heyyyy-ooo!!