Please Replace With a Robot at Earliest Possible Convenience

I have a major problem with the conductors on the Long Island Rail Road. Well, shit, I have a major problem with just about every aspect of the Long Island Rail Road. But I really don’t like these clowns.

They march down the aisle clicking their hole punchers rapidly to get your attention, as if they can’t waste their precious breath to ask you for your ticket. Sometimes they like to make announcements over the PA demanding that you have your tickets out, usually in a surprisingly forceful manner. Oh, I’m sorry sir, is your time so fucking precious that a few seconds of your shift can’t be spent waiting for me to fish my ticket out of my wallet while I’m crammed between a window and an underpaid/overcharged schlub like me? Well the LIRR seems to be in the business of wasting commuters’ time, so I take every opportunity I can to return the favor.

A wise fellow commuter once told me that he never takes his ticket out until the conductor is right there next to him, and he takes his time doing it. So you know what? That’s exactly what I do now, and I suggest that all of you do the same from this point forward. I wouldn’t look these assholes in the eyes to save my life, so I don’t know if it bothers them, but it gives me a small sense of satisfaction. Sometimes I like to hold up a finger as if to say, “Hold on a second,” while I finish reading a line in a magazine, or typing a line on my computer. The worse of a mood I’m in, the longer they wait. If the train is late pulling out of Penn Station and I’m stuck standing because the train is a few cars short, I’m going to “check” every compartment in my bag, every pocket in my pants and jacket, and every compartment in my wallet before I “find” my ticket.

These losers are also complete cowards. When there’s some kind of weather related fuck-up and it’s clear we’re all getting home past our bedtimes, you won’t see a conductor the whole ride home. Where are they then, all high and mighty demanding your ticket? Oh, don’t want to face an angry public because your incompetent organization is ruining thousands of riders’ nights? Scared that someone might take out their frustration on you? Get out here and do your goddamn job, numb nuts. I wonder how long I would keep my job if I hid at work to avoid clients who were unhappy.

If this were feudal Japan, every MTA worker would have committed hari-kari due to the shame they’d brought upon themselves.

But above all else, there’s a rather serious reason I can’t stand these slugs. A staggering percentage of them abuse disability. Read it and weep. Literally. Don’t act like being on your feet all day clicking a hole puncher is so physically taxing that you need monetary compensation for it. Do ticket takers at movie theaters file for disability because they stand all day tearing tickets? No. How about cashiers at grocery stores? Nope. The notion of them getting disability pay for what they do would be laughed at. Yet somehow the MTA has no problem doling out money to these lying slimeballs.

A conductor’s job requirements are pretty well spelled out, so you should know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Get some comfortable shoes and a wrist guard, and stop complaining. Now go conduct yourself to some broken glass and sit on it.