Signal Problems!

Sometimes I think the Long Island Rail Road lives in a fantasy world. No, not sometimes. All times. I’m roughly 40,000,000,000% sure they do. Not only do they think that over $300 a month is a bargain to ride on a shitty, century-old rail system desperately in need of updates, but they somehow think their service is exceptional. This is something that is constantly touted in the monthly Train Talk newsletter that is left on train seats in a “Here, you throw this away” fashion.

This also means they believe that March 1st is the first day of Spring and that it has never snowed in the month of March, ever. So when it DID snow on March 23rd, it’s as if the LIRR was collectively caught off guard in their Tommy Bahama shirts, feet up, sipping fruity drinks with paper umbrellas in them. I also envision everyone wearing straw hats. And someone has a ukulele.

If anyone had the pleasure in being on the 7:11pm Ronkonkoma train on the night in question, then you probably know what I’m talking about (assuming you get off at Central Islip or Ronkonkoma). On display this night was everyone’s favorite horseshit reason for delays: the signal problem.

BING BONG. “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience but we’re currently being held at a stop signal. We’re experiencing some signal problems up ahead…” You know the drill.

The train sat for thirty minutes just west of the CI station, constantly being told over the PA by some overpaid, shaved ape that we were going to be moving in about five minutes. When we did moves six five-minutes later, we rolled into Central Islip, riders disembarked, and we headed out. As the train crawled out towards Ronkonkoma, the train came to a stop again, now east of the CI station. For another. Thirty. Goddamn. Minutes.

BING BONG. “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience…blah blah blah…moving in about five minutes.”

I’m going to throw a few statistics your way and then I’m going to ask you to answer a question.

1.     The Long Island Rail Road is the largest commuter railroad in the country.

2.     Long Island has a temperate climate, where it gets cold in the winter. In fact, winter-like conditions can usually be experienced between the months of November and April.

3.     The LIRR is consistently plagued by signal and switch problems. Most of these problems are weather-related. Usually having to deal with snow and ice.

Based on what I have just told you, select the statement that makes the most sense:

A.   The LIRR should update the switches and signals, so that they are 100% functional year-round in the environment in which they dwell.

B.    The LIRR should leave switches and signals as they are, and cause constant delays and frustration any time it drizzles.

I’m going to guess that most of you picked A. If you chose B, then you are probably Jay Walder or someone else with a cushy position within the MTA. I will never not be amazed at how inefficiently this system is run. It should really no longer be a shock to me, but you can’t help but be amazed by the feckless nature with which problems are handled.

The Long Island Rail Road will no doubt applaud itself for the fast manner in which they acted, and continue to hype their laughable peak on time performance.

BING BONG. “Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the inconvenience…”

Stop apologizing and get me home already, fuckface.

Fun fact: While “fuckface” is flagged by Word’s spell-check, “horseshit” is not.